i miss her. i miss being her. that hand of hers, that tongue. rapt, silk around your overwrought nerves. god-the-serpent wants to crawl out of my mouth, i feel my throat flex and think of you. choking on nothing and thinking of you. half dozen lifetimes balled up in your fist shoved three fingers first down my throat it’s you it’s you it’s always you where are you i’m thinking about you can you feel me

did you feel your blood move? that was me the way the sun rises in the east, but it’s the dark wet dirt anchoring that horizon that’s where you’ll find me something fertile made of wet and heat you’ll fucking find me feel me bury yourself inside me god i’m so hungry

but it’s only you ,and she’s so hungry. where are you we are so hungry

i won’t tear myself apart, i won’t. i’ve got her by the throat and there’s nowhere for us to let the other go. that’s what’s happened, you know? again i’ve got to be the one in control. i didn’t have a choice. not really. i’m not sure i could’ve made any other if there had been. you understand that, don’t you? i felt it breaking.

i need to hold you. god please come home. i’ll do anything to keep you safe: i’ll swallow the glass, throw myself on the grenades. i’ve carved myself completely open and scoured it all clean, she’s dead now you know? i’ll kill them all if i have to, if you let me inside you. i need to be inside you. i need to die inside you.

can you feel me? because i live with your ghost inside me, sliding along my nerves, muscle, bone i might be dying lol it’s fucking killing me. fucking christ.. if i don’t hold myself together. if i cant control it i’ll fucking fall into the way you feel in my hands. i’ll die right there and sink this electric hum in through your every pore, light you up like me. it’s all i need. i’m a dead woman and you’re all i need.

i think about my fingers sliding into your hair, i’m obsessed, pressed entirely too close to your body crushed from chest to cunt, and i am fucking d y i n g on your lips, licking your perfect teeth, your mouth is so fucking succulent you are every delicious thing i’ve ever had inside me and it’s everyfuckingthing i’m so yours so fucking yours disciple devoted to the way you feel running down my body

listen. listen. i watch light spill out from between us when we touch. i feel myself spill outward in a wash of light when you touch me. and my only purpose in this life is to pour every drop of that light back into you. to bathe your eyes, to feed at your mouth. to kiss it into every inch of your skin, the tips of your fingers. to stroke it into your eyebrows, massage it into your scalp. smoothed down the planes of your cheeks, along the strength of your jaw. i am meant to pull every piece of you into my mouth, that’s why your heart fit so perfectly there. that’s why i can take what you give. because i’m fucking built to.

to duck my head down and pray, to pour this holy light down your thighs. watch me spill like dawn down your thighs. watch our bodies create, let me see the awe in your face.

i know you understand how this gets so out of hand. i know you see the difference between what i need and what i’m allowed. still a local god and i’ll burn the eyes out of their empty heads but i’ll never live again. all this light and no one to blind. my love my love my love. it’s been too many moons and i fucking need you.

don’t make me come find you.