My appetites have all but died in the months since. The manic pressure has backed off almost entirely. But I feel this thing, this familiar gravity. It’s not surfacing, and I keep trying to sort this out but I still can’t reach it. It doesn’t feel like mine, more like a cord connected to my consciousness being tugged from the depths. It’s in my head, I’m sure there’s just more work I need to do to let it rest fully. I think. I don’t want to assume anything about my progress, I’ve been too unreliable before and I’m submitting to the process. I haven’t fought it, I accepted the apparent truth of the moment and the subsequent truths buried in the ashes. I understand what I’ve been given to understand, I yield to the emotions when they demand acknowledgment. I sit with them, let them go. Am I just being impatient? Wondering why this tug is so persistent recently? I wasn’t under the impression I was in the clear, because lol never zero, but this flavor doesn’t seem congruent with where I’ve been.

It’s in my head, right? You’re okay and I’m not on your mind and this is not somehow your manifestation gestating in the dream sea inside me. Or is it some dormant hunger slowly building itself a buoy on the sea floor? Why would I not be aware of that? And yet… so what if it is? Whatever it is, it will be in its own time. I’ll be here becoming everything in the meantime.