I know I have to start somewhere. I see the whole thing, and I know I’m adequate to the task. I know, I know all these things, and still I find myself sitting here in a chair across the room, elbows on thighs, unsure of what to do with my hands. Whole heart leaning forward, acutely aware of the door in front of me; the bare space around me a backdrop for sunlit motes, and this isn’t my home anymore. She’s in there, and she needs me, and I can’t leave without her. Can’t leave her with that thing in there, like an imaginary friend grown monstrous and malignant in defense of her.

I understand, babydoll. I know why you did it. I wish I’d have known sooner you were here, that I’d recognized the girl beneath the glass was the animal was the monster, that we were threads flowing out of your little heart. I’m sorry I couldn’t come sooner, but I’m here now. I’m here and you’re safe and I’ll never leave you again and you don’t have to be afraid anymore. We’re strong enough now to back down- we’re strong enough together to do anything. Everything. I built us a new house and we’re ready for you to come home. I won’t leave without you. I can’t. I need you, too. You save us, make us whole, and I’m learning every day how to do right by you, to love and handle you gently.

I can’t guarantee an unscathed life, but I can guarantee I’ll never abandon you when it’s hard. I want to wrap you up and keep you safe, because you’re precious and worthy, because I love you so completely. You didn’t deserve any of the things they put you through, but they’re human too. We’re all damaged and damaging. You see it, too, and I know it horrifies you; I know you’re scared to face what you became, the things you’ve done, but I swear it’s okay. We have to learn how to forgive ourselves our humanity, and we can’t forgive our own trespasses, we can’t evolve, until we accept and forgive theirs. We can’t punish the humanity of others- Especially our babies’.

The monster has to go: it’s feral now, fighting the wrong things, and we don’t need him anymore. Come see how strong we are, how powerful we’ve become. I’ll hold you up through this next step, and it’s a big one. You don’t have to fight anymore, and I will never make you fight again. I will never ask you to turn yourself inside out, I won’t give you away, I’ll never give you away again, but we can’t carry on living at odds anymore, our dissonance is still shaking the foundation.

We need all that fight and fire you built around you, and we have to transform it. Our magic, our alchemy, has to evolve now into shield and light and warmth, mellowed into hearth from wildfire, a new kind of paladin. We’re almost there, and it’s getting better, but it’s time to come out and walk the rest of the way together. This is new for all of us, but you’ll see our peace. We’re learning to walk in one step, now, like newborns, and the mindfulness required to maintain a steady gait takes up so much space: we need your eyes, your little heart. We need the expanse inside you to help us protect them because they’re defenseless now the way you were then, and all that darkness you’ve been holding onto is hurting them. And we’re the only thing between us and them, so I’m waiting for you out here.

You did well, babydoll. You did so good and you fought like hell and we’re so so proud of you, I’m so fucking proud of you. You kept us safe for so long, and it’s my turn now- You need to rest, and I need you to have faith in me. I know I haven’t always been reliable. I see the ways I’ve struggled, and I’m on top of them now, and I promise you nothing can touch you anymore. Never again. I’m big enough now to hold you and take every hit. Help me do better for them.

I need you, I need your help. I know you can feel how I fear for them- I don’t blame you for any of it, my fear isn’t judgment. Look at them, see yourself there. We know what this is, how this feels. How it ends. None of it was ever your fault, but this is my responsibility, and I’m here to take that weight from you and carry it forward forever. Please. Please come home.

I’m going to let you rest for now, but I’ll be back tonight, and every night from now on. I love you, little girl. I love you so much.